Maybe if………………….

Every morning I wake up and feel pretty good about life, then the mind starts to think and I wonder…………… maybe if ???
You may recall early in the year I was anxious about some tenderness around my scar tissue and eventually got an appointment to see my consultant. However, the date was forever being postponed, and in the end I agreed to see one of her colleagues in March.
She was very efficient in her examination, telling me everything was normal and how she’d expect it to be, though agreed that perhaps the weight I’d put on and regularly playing darts now may have been a contributory factor.
I came away feeling relieved, but in hindsight, I’m wondering if maybe she should have given me a mammogram at the time.
The thing is, had she done so, I don’t think it would have actually changed anything and I would still be in this position, though maybe past it by now.
The anger directed at Dick is venomous.  If I could wring his neck and make him suffer, believe me I’d do so and slowly, but the fact remains, Cancer is back and going to bite the dirt shortly.

I look at myself in the mirror and try to imagine being one sided after my surgery. I’ll find out soon enough, but I’m lucky I suppose in that most of my bust measurement is round back, and when I lie own, the girls disappear under my arm pits anyway. Sitting on the sofa and looking down at myself, there is no set of boobs getting in the way or upon which to rest my dinner plate, so I don’t anticipate any significant changes in the way I look.
The psychologist lady rang yesterday having spoken to my consultant as there had been a bit of confusion which has now been cleared up. Her attitude this time was completely different and I actually made her laugh, but I’m still glad I’m not meeting with her.

I read many years ago that we all have cancer cells in our body and it is just a question of fate as to whether they’ll be triggered to grow. Research is working on that.
Dick is classed as non-invasive and caused by calcification, dots of calcium deposits showing up on the mammogram imagery. He was measured at 8mm, but this included the tail, and that was what bothered me. If he had a tail, he was searching for something to latch onto, but we found him first.
No chemo or radiotherapy will be necessary, so it will be simply a case of getting it done and getting back to normal. The time frame of course will be up to me and how quickly my body repairs itself.

The afterwatch clock will be reset and I will remain on my meds for a further five years, thus making eight in all unless they keep me on them for any other reason. I’m quite happy with that if they can learn something. Mammograms will still be annually, and possibly a follow up appointment with the consultant after two years (which coincided with my appointment earlier this year).

I’m not going to beat myself up on what ifs and maybes, what I have or haven’t done, or the whys and wherefore as to why it’s happened. The crux of the matter is IT HAS, and we’re dealing with it.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Breast Cancer is not a death sentence thanks to advances in research, technology, treatments and identification.
I cannot stress enough the importance of getting any lump investigated. Not all of them are cancer or cancerous, but if they are, they can be treated and cured.

About pensitivity101

I am a retired number cruncher with a vivid imagination and wacky sense of humour which extends to short stories and poetry. I love to cook and am a bit of a dog whisperer as I get on better with them than people sometimes! We have an elderly dog called Maggie who adopted us as a 7 week old pup in March 2005. From 2014 to 2017 'Home' was a 41 foot narrow boat where we made strong friendships both on and off the water. We were close to nature enjoying swan and duck families for neighbours, and it was a fascinating chapter in our lives. We now reside in a small bungalow on the Lincolnshire coast where we have forged new friendships and interests.
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29 Responses to Maybe if………………….

  1. Sadje says:

    Good decision not to go down that road. Life is linear, no undo, no going back. Go forward and you will be fine and rid of Dick soon. Completely and totally.

  2. I’d like to share a story that is similar but different. You probably remember I lost my cat Hazel at the end of last year. She had breathing issues so I had to to take her to the emergency vet (always sick weekends and holidays) and they needed to take an x-ray. That showed congestive heart failure and a very large abdominal tumor. There was no remedy that would give her more than a few days. It was exactly one month since she had her annual checkup and my vet missed both. I was angry. What’s the point of an annual if it misses the big things? It took me a while to work through it. Had my vet found it a month sooner, the outcome would have been the same except I may have saved her some agony. For a while I wasn’t sure if I’d go back to my vet. I felt a lot like you did. They didn’t do enough but as you, I came to the same conclusion, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I’m coming up on a year and I’ve made peace with it except Mollie recently acted differently. I opted to use the emergency vet instead of waiting for my vet to be available. I’m sure it’s an overcompensation for what happened to Hazel. You’re in that annoying period of waiting for it to be all over and it’s hard. I had a lumpectomy but they had to go in twice (no clear margins the first time). That means my girls are not the same size. I can’t wear scoop necked tees as one side pulls further down. I think it’s funny now but it wasn’t something I expected. All my tops are now V-necks. Sending you hugs across the pond. Just another week or so….

    • Dear Kate, you have been my inspiration since they found Humphrey 3 years ago. My lumpectomy was fine with nothing in the lymph nodes and they’d got it all. Now his cousin’s turned up but not for long. It’s my second strike so they’re not taking any chances and we’re fully on board with that.
      I can’t change what’s happened and I’d be stupid to ignore it or not have the surgery. Hubby loves me, not my boobs and if it turns up on the other side, we’ll deal with that too and make ’em match. It’ll take more than this to get the better of me. XXX

  3. Thanks for sharing this personal experience with us. Sending good vibes your way

  4. Liz says:

    It will be good that you can get rid of Dick and then just your body healing afterwards.

  5. I had wondered who or what “Dick” was and all is now clarified. I’m so sorry hun. But your attitude is very positive and upbeat for the situation and that’s important. I finally got ‘the squash’ (mammogram) at the end of September. All is well. And I don’t have to do it again for five years (apparently), but I’ll keep my eyes peeled and feel myself up regularly just to be sure. There’s breast cancer in my family and I’m childless (never bore any children) so apparently that ups the odds of contracting “Dick” or his American ‘cousins’. By about 50%. Keep us posted and I’m glad you’re doing well.

    • Likewise Melanie, runs in the family and I’ve had no kids. Glad your mammo was OK. In future years I shall be in and out in half the time as they’ll only have the one side to do. LOL

  6. fransiweinstein says:

    You are extremely diligent about your health and your hubby’s. You pay very close attention to what your bodies are telling you and take immediate action. There is nothing you could or should have done differently or better. You are moving forward and leaving Dick far behind. He has no idea what he’s up against. Onward!

  7. SarahC says:

    As we have said post Mr stroke…Moving Forward!
    It was preventable but I refuse to beat myself up for being improperly informed during yrs prior.
    Hidden sicknesses are tricky.
    I lost my mom to b.c. and it was yrs ago. Technology and Knowledge has improved best wishrs Continues😇

  8. jenanita01 says:

    I love your attitude, Di. Loving your fighting spirit too!

  9. Thank goodness for your due diligence in following up with all the doctors and your own examinations.
    I really need to do this for myself as well. It’s been years since I was checked.

    • Don’t leave it to chance Beckie. I check myself in the shower, but I missed Humphrey and it was Hubby who found it. Six weeks from discovery to surgery. It’s been a similar time frame this time, as I had my mammo Sept 4th and was called back then got those results on Oct 10th with surgery pencilled in already because they knew we wouldn’t hesitate.

  10. Dwelling on what was, might have, what if, or what is to come, is too many minds.
    Just think on this.
    Hubby wants to grow older with you.
    Xxx

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