Every one of us wants to look our best for That Special Occasion, be it a wedding, party, or meeting up with someone new or a friend you haven’t seen for years.
Diets are good for that but take too long for results, and in my youth (well early twenties), health centres and ‘quick fixes’ were all the rage, so yes, I tried some of them.
The Conveyor Belt.
Trying to have a conversation whilst vibrating along on the crest of a belt is hilarious.
A friend and I started to sing, and ended up sounding like strangled yodellers.
It cost me about ten quid and didn’t work, the only visible result being a burn mark across my back where I’d leaned into it on full speed.
Interesting concept, being padded and paddled up, then short shocks passing through the body to ‘tone up’ the muscles. I ended up with a nervous twitch, another ten quid down the drain, and ticklish for weeks.
Truly yummy (not) and expensive in a rainbow of colours, but as my mother-in-law could tell you, only useful for washing down breakfast, dinner and supper. I concede it worked in the short term, but after 8 days became boring, tedious and tasteless. The lost weight went back on in less than a week. You’re better off making your own smoothies.
The Mummy Wrap
Anyone who saw Mark Addy in The Full Monty can identify with this one.
Trussed up in clingfilm after being marked and measured, you are guaranteed to lose inches. It works, and as a short fix to get into that size smaller dress or a weekend break bikini, this is for you. You are literally squashed into shape, left to baste in your own heat, and then unwrapped like a Christmas present to a slimmer and lesser you. If I remember correctly, I lost 2 inches off my arms, legs and backside, and an inch and a half off my waist.
It began to ooze back to normal after about three days but you may get four if you’re lucky.
Sauna and massage
I’d never had a sauna before, and nobody told me how I was supposed to make the most of it. Basically, I cooked myself, my cross and chain getting so hot, it burnt my skin. During my hour session, I took cold showers every ten minutes because I was so uncomfortably hot and sweaty, then came out for some body massage.
Now that was worth waiting for. I fell asleep on the table and they could hear me snoring two cubicles away.
No weight loss, but I felt refreshed and had a new birthmark for a month.
Then of course you have the pampering package, hairdo, facial and leg wax.
My first perm went drastically wrong as they forgot me and frizzed my hair into a matted mop which had to be cut off.
I have never liked the idea of anyone painting me, so passed on the facial apart from the cleansing routine included in my massage.
The legwax was a one off though……… well two actually to make them match, and as Mel Gibson said in What Women Want, why should someone want to do that twice.
On a larger scale I still feel for Steve Carrell in The Forty Year Old Virgin.
In case you didn’t already know, he did this for real.