Beauty and the Shrieks

Every one of us wants to look our best for That Special Occasion, be it a wedding, party, or meeting up with someone new or a friend you haven’t seen for years.
Diets are good for that but take too long for results, and in my youth (well early twenties), health centres and ‘quick fixes’ were all the rage, so yes, I tried some of them.

The Conveyor Belt.
beltTrying to have a conversation whilst vibrating along on the crest of a belt is hilarious.
A friend and I started to sing, and ended up sounding like strangled yodellers.
It cost me about ten quid and didn’t work, the only visible result being a burn mark across my back where I’d leaned into it on full speed.

Muscle Shock.
slendertone
Interesting concept, being padded and paddled up, then short shocks passing through the body to ‘tone up’ the muscles. I ended up with a nervous twitch, another ten quid down the drain, and ticklish for weeks.

Liquid Diet
liquid diet
Truly yummy (not) and expensive in a rainbow of colours, but as my mother-in-law could tell you, only useful for washing down breakfast, dinner and supper. I concede it worked in the short term, but after 8 days became boring, tedious and tasteless. The lost weight went back on in less than a week. You’re better off making your own smoothies.

The Mummy Wrap

mark-addyAnyone who saw Mark Addy in The Full Monty can identify with this one.
Trussed up in clingfilm after being marked and measured, you are guaranteed to lose inches. It works, and as a short fix to get into that size smaller dress or a weekend break bikini, this is for you.  You are literally squashed into shape, left to baste in your own heat, and then unwrapped like a Christmas present to a slimmer and lesser you. If I remember correctly, I lost 2 inches off my arms, legs and backside, and an inch and a half off my waist.
It began to ooze back to normal after about three days but you may get four if you’re lucky.

Sauna and massage

sauna massage

I’d never had a sauna before, and nobody told me how I was supposed to make the most of it. Basically, I cooked myself, my cross and chain getting so hot, it burnt my skin. During my hour session, I took cold showers every ten minutes because I was so uncomfortably hot and sweaty, then came out for some body massage.
Now that was worth waiting for. I fell asleep on the table and they could hear me snoring two cubicles away.
No weight loss, but I felt refreshed and had a new birthmark for a month.

Then of course you have the pampering package, hairdo, facial and leg wax.
My first perm went drastically wrong as they forgot me and frizzed my hair into a matted mop which had to be cut off.
I have never liked the idea of anyone painting me, so passed on the facial apart from the cleansing routine included in my massage.
The legwax was a one off though……… well two actually to make them match, and as Mel Gibson said in What Women Want, why should someone want to do that twice.
On a larger scale I still feel for Steve Carrell in The Forty Year Old Virgin.
40-yr-oldIn case you didn’t already know, he did this for real.
OUCH.

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About pensitivity101

I am a retired number cruncher with a vivid imagination which extends to short stories and poetry. I love to cook and have a terrible sweet tooth for jelly babies or fruit pastilles. Best friends are Hubby, our dog Maggie, Bro in NZ, MSM and MOH (and his dog). I am also a bit of a dog whisperer as I get on better with them than people sometimes! Due to a nightmare of a house sale in 2014, 'Home' was a 41 foot narrow boat until April 2017. We made strong friendships both on and off the water, and enjoyed swan and duck families for neighbours. Sadly times change and we were once again house hunting until September. We now reside in a small bungalow a short distance from the beach on the Lincolnshire coast.
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4 Responses to Beauty and the Shrieks

  1. stevetanham says:

    You sure you’re not a masochist? x

  2. I remember the wrap. sort of tried waxing my legs once. Nope. Didn’t even get 2 inches done. I’m a no pain kinda girl. There was the cabbage and tomato soup diet. Did you ever do that. Quite tasty but that’s all you eat so you tire of it fast.

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