Recognising the signs

I always know when Hubby has something on his mind, and equally know he will tell me once he’s got things straight in his head.
I am usually cheerful and sociable, but sometimes I feel the walls closing in and anxiety starts to rear its ugly head.
I tend to keep soldiering on, but we do talk about what’s worrying us. It’s one of our strengths as a couple.

This month has been horrible, what with Hubby’s heart scare and Maggie’s operation.
This past week, I have found myself tearful, angry and frustrated for no apparent reason.

Driving to and from the hospital during Hubby’s week long stay (all but one day when due to traffic congestion I would never have got there, let alone home again) brought home to me just how little driving I do these days. In my 20s, I never minded night driving, but then traffic wasn’t as dense as it is now. Carve ups, creeping at traffic lights (moving when red but stationary when green), idiots on the road expecting you to second guess their movements and traffic jams all added to my inner ‘road rage’. I was a nervous wreck once back at the boat.
I didn’t tell anyone what had happened for a couple of days, brooding to myself, worrying myself silly.

On my own, I took Maggie for a second opinion. It was the same day I had rushed Hubby down to A&E in the car. At least then I was thinking straight as he examined her, told me what he’d found, and the course of action open to us.
Again, I didn’t discuss it with anyone, taking it into myself, my mind going into overdrive on what could happen.
And the prospect of being completely on my own.

I find no joy in shopping, food or otherwise these days.
I’m going through the motions of food preparation, I haven’t been sleeping well, can’t settle to do very much, and last night found myself wandering around the house aimlessly, making cups of tea I didn’t want, and craving for sweet things we didn’t have.

I talked to Hubby about it this morning.
I know he can’t stop me worrying, wave a magic wand, and make everything better, but he understands and listens when I need to talk.

He reckons it’s a combination of all this past month’s events catching up with me.
He knows how I worry about him and Maggie, and in the background I am still thinking about my Mum, especially after her fall, how long her leg took to heal, how she was at the beginning of the year and her health in general, so it’s all taking a toll.

In my weekday prompts post, I said that Thursday had been nominated by other bloggers as Thankful, and that I would like to follow suit.
So instead of concentrating on what is making me feel so low, I am turning it round, and thinking :

Hubby is OK, well on the mend and taking his medication.
Any concern over his INR is immediately addressed with him seeing the doctor that day.
He suggested I came in with him last time, and the doctor explained everything that had happened, and what can be done to prevent a reoccurrence.
He had not had a heart attack (what a relief) but possibly suffered from angina, which can be equally as scary. He has a spray for that now.
We are doing all the right things and modifying our diet (again) to try and reduce his cholesterol.

Maggie seems to be over the worst, and is due to have her first stitches out tomorrow.
She is eating and drinking normally, her bodily functions are good, and she is almost back to her old self……. as Hubby says, making it her mission in life to be a pain! She got me up at 6 am then walked me as far as possible before obliging with a wee and poo!
I have moved her chair closer to mine so that I can put my feet up in it, and she can snuggle into me as she does on the boat. Bedtime is back to normal with her at the bottom of the bed, though we are careful not to hurt her should we roll over.

This is one of my favourite pictures of  ‘My World’ taken several years ago shortly after we moved to Lincolnshire. 
paul and mags sept 2010 2
I am thankful that my Mum is living with family, and that we can visit at the drop of a hat without making an appointment or be restricted by a timeframe.
I am thankful that she knows who we are on arrival, and glad when we can make her smile and remember happier times from so many years ago.

three of us
I am lucky in having a home and new friends, people who take us as we are with no hidden agenda.
We are bumbling along and for us, rising water levels are not a problem. Our life is good.

We were shopping today and Hubby put a bunch of roses in the trolley.
He loves me. He is my soul mate, my rock.
And I am so thankful for that.
soul mates swans


About pensitivity101

I am a retired number cruncher with a vivid imagination and wacky sense of humour which extends to short stories and poetry. I love to cook and am a bit of a dog whisperer as I get on better with them than people sometimes! In November 2020, we lost our beloved Maggie who adopted us as a 7 week old pup in March 2005. We decided to have a photo put on canvas as we had for her predecessor Barney. We now have three pictures of our fur babies on the wall as we found a snapshot of Kizzy, my GSD when Hubby and I first met so had hers done too. On February 24th 2022 we were blessed to find Maya, a 13 week old GSD pup who has made her own place in our hearts. You can follow our training methods, photos and her growth in my blog posts. From 2014 to 2017 'Home' was a 41 foot narrow boat where we made strong friendships both on and off the water. We were close to nature enjoying swan and duck families for neighbours, and it was a fascinating chapter in our lives. We now reside in a small bungalow on the Lincolnshire coast where we have forged new friendships and interests.
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8 Responses to Recognising the signs

  1. colinandray says:

    It really is a matter of perspective, and acknowledging our power of choice. I could worry about my son who had a history of crack/cocaine addiction and alcohol abuse, and is now diagnosed as Bi-Polar and a number of other mental issues, or I can celebrate the recent time that we played pool and had dinner together. I could worry about my daughter’s brain tumor, or I could celebrate her fighting spirit. It is so easy to dwell on the negatives when we really should be celebrating the positives …. and that is simply our choosing to do so…. or not. Tomorrow is going to come, but we can (and should) at least celebrate today. 🙂 Keep smiling 🙂

  2. Capt Jill says:

    Sorry you had such a bad week, glad you found a way to think positive. Hope you can keep that up, and I hope things do keep on getting better too.

  3. Heartafire says:

    I think it is great therapy to write about these issues as you are doing. It helps us to compartmentalize and feel more in control of our challenges. I am wishing you and yours all the best!

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